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Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: A Critical Edition

Harry Lauder

Harry Lauder was a Scottish comedian and songwriter who achieved global fame for traditional Scottish folksongs and was additionally known in the 1920s for performing for injured veterans of World War I.

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Chapter Three
LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING

April 17th:
   Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday as the boat does not come clear up to London but it stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that London is a failure because we know more in New York.
   So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.
   So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the headwaiter with quite an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, I have been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting. So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get historical.
   So if mama did not die of hardening of the arterys she and Fanny and I could have quite a delightful time in London as Fanny loves to shop. So we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the childrens department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as childrens hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the time. I mean Fanny really loves hats and she buys some in the children’s department every week, so she really saves quite a lot of money.
   So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to go to tea with him at a girls house called Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us to, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.
   So at Lady Sheltons house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And some who are not Ladies are honorable. But quite a few are not Ladies or honorable either, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. I mean I am really going to have a quite hard time in London with Dorothy because she really should not say to an English lady what she said. I mean she should not say to an English lady that in America we use shells the same way only we put a dry pea under one of them and we call it a game. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us to meet her mother.
   So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told her no. But she did not seem to act like a Countess of her elderly age should act. Because she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my daughter stick you—they fall apart in less than a week.” So then she asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess ought to act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she grabed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encouradge Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess that we did not need any dog.
   So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very, very great bargain. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful because it is a place where I really never thought of wearing diamonds before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So I was really very intreeged and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.
   So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite well groomed. So I asked Major Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara because I could wear it backwards with a ribbon, on account of my hair being hobbed, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did to, but he seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a haypenny the statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.
   So I really have my heart set on the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be snaped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of traveling if you do not take advantadge of oportunities and it really is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.
   So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.

April 18th:
   Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket for the diamond tiara. So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.
   So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie.
   In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is really nothing at all. For instants, they make a great fuss over a tower that really is not even as tall as the Hickox building in Little Rock Arkansas and it would only make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.
   So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant called the Cafe de Paris that you could not get in New York for neither love or money and I told Piggie that when you are travelling you really ought to take advantadges of what you can not do at home.
   So while Dorothy and I were in the Cafe de Paris powdering our nose in the lady’s dressing room we met an American girl who Dorothy knew in the Follies, but now she is living in London. So she told us all about London. So it seems the gentlemen in London have quite a quaint custom of not giving a girl many presents. I mean the English girls really seem to be satisfied with a gold cigaret holder or else what they call a ‘bangle’ which means a bracelet in English which is only gold and does not have any stones in it which American girls would really give to their maid. So she said you could tell what English gentlemen were like when you realize that not even English ladys could get anything out of them. So she said Sir Francis Beekman was really famous all over London for not spending so much money as most English gentlemen. So then Dorothy and I said goodbye to Dorothy’s girl friend and Dorothy said, “Lets tell our two boy friends that we have a headache and go back to the Ritz, where men are Americans.” Because Dorothy said that the society of a gentleman like Sir Francis Beekman was to great a price to pay for a couple of rounds of champagne cocktails. But I told Dorothy that I always believe that there is nothing like trying and I think it would be nice for an American girl like I to educate an English gentleman like Piggie, as I call Sir Francis Beekman.
   So then we went back to the table and I almost have to admit that Dorothy is in the right about Piggie because he really likes to talk quite a lot and he is always talking about a friend of his who was quite a famous King in London called King Edward. So Piggie said he would never never forget the jokes King Edward was always saying and he would never forget one time they were all on a yacht and they were all sitting at a table and King Edward got up and said “I don’t care what you gentlemen do—I’m going to smoke a cigar.” So then Piggie laughed very, very loud. So of course I laughed very, very loud and I told Piggie he was wonderful the way he could tell jokes. I mean you can always tell when to laugh because Piggie always laughs first.
   So in the afternoon a lot of lady friends of Mrs. Weeks heard about me buying the diamond tiara and called us up and asked us to their house to tea so Dorothy and I went and we took a gentleman Dorothy met in the lobby who is very, very good looking but he is only an English ballroom dancer in a cafe when he has a job.
   So we went to tea to a lady’s house called Lady Elmsworth and what she has to sell we Americans seems to be a picture of her father painted in oil paint who she said was a whistler. But I told her my own father was a whistler and used to whistle all of the time and I did not even have a picture of him but every time he used to go to Little Rock I asked him to go to the photographers but he did not go.
   So then we met a lady called Lady Chizzleby that wanted us to go to her house to tea but we told her that we really did not want to buy anything. But she said that she did not have anything to sell but she wanted to borrow five pounds. So we did not go and I am really glad that Mr. Eisman did not come to London as all the English ladys would ask him to tea and he would have a whole ship load of shell flowers and dogs and anteek pictures that do nobody any good.
   So last night Piggie and I and Dorothy and the dancer who is called Gerald went to the Kit Kat Club as Gerald had nothing better to do because he is out of a job. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel because I told Dorothy that she was wasting quite a lot of time going with any gentleman who is out of a job but Dorothy is always getting to really like somebody and she will never learn how to act. I mean I always seem to think that when a girl really enjoys being with a gentleman, it puts her to quite a disadvantage and no real good can come of it.
   Well tonight is going to be quite a night because Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to a dance at a lady’s house tonight to meet the Prince of Wales. And now I must get ready to see Piggie because he and I seem to be getting to be quite good friends even if he has not sent me any flowers yet.

April 19th:
   Last night we really met the Prince of Wales. I mean Major Falcon called for Dorothy and I at eleven and took us to a ladys house where the lady was having a party. The Prince of Wales is really wonderful. I mean even if he was not a prince he would be wonderful, because even if he was not a prince, he would be able to make his living playing the ukelele, if he had a little more practice. So the lady came up to me and told me that the Prince of Wales would like to meet me, so she gave us an introduction to one another and I was very very thrilled when he asked me for a dance. So I decided I would write down every word he said to me in my diary so I could always go back and read it over and over when I am really old. So then we started to dance and I asked him if he was able to keep on his horse lately and he said he was. So after our dance was all over he asked Dorothy for a dance but Dorothy will never learn how to act in front of a prince. Because she handed me her fan and she said “Hold this while I slip a new page into English histry,” right in front of the Prince of Wales. So I was very very worried while Dorothy was dancing with the Prince of Wales because she talked to the Prince of Wales all the time and when she got through the Prince of Wales wrote some of the slang words she is always saying on his cuff, so if he tells the Queen some day to be ‘a good Elk’ or some other slang word Dorothy is always saying, the Queen will really blame me for bringing such a girl into English society. So when Dorothy came back we had quite a little quarrel because Dorothy said that since I met the Prince of Wales I was becoming to English. But really, I mean to say, I often remember papa back in Arkansas and he often used to say that his grandpa came from a place in England called Australia, so really, I mean to say, it is no wonder that the English seems to come out of me sometimes. Because if a girl seems to have an English accent I really think it is quite jolly.
April 20th:
   Yesterday afternoon I really thought I ought to begin to educate Piggie how to act with a girl like American gentlemen act with a girl. So I asked him to come up to have tea in our sitting room in the hotel because I had quite a headache. I mean I really look quite cute in my pink negligay. So I sent out a bell hop friend of Dorothy and I who is quite a nice boy who is called Harry and who we talk to quite a lot. So I gave Harry ten pounds of English money and I told him to go to the most expensive florist and to buy some very very expensive orchids for 10 pounds and to bring them to our sitting room at fifteen minutes past five and not to say a word but to say they were for me. So Piggie came to tea and we were having tea when Harry came in and he did not say a word but he gave me a quite large box and he said it was for me. So I opened the box and sure enough they were a dozen very very beautiful orchids. So I looked for a card, but of course there was no card so I grabbed Piggie and I said I would have to give him quite a large hug because it must have been him. But he said it was not him. But I said it must be him because I said that there was only one gentleman in London who was so sweet and generous and had such a large heart to send a girl one dozen orchids like him. So he still said it was not him. But I said I knew it was him, because there was not a gentleman in London so really marvelous and so wonderful and such a marvelous gentleman to send a girl one dozen orchids every day as him. So I really had to apologize for giving him such a large hug but I told him I was so full of impulses that when I knew he was going to send me one dozen orchids every day I became so impulsive I could not help it!
   So then Dorothy and Gerald came in and I told them all about what a wonderful gentleman Piggie turned out to be and I told them when a gentleman sent a girl one dozen orchids every day he really reminded me of a prince. So Piggie blushed quite a lot and he was really very very pleased and he did not say any more that it was not him. So then I started to make a fuss over him and I told him he would have to look out because he was really so good looking and I was so full of impulses that I might even lose my mind some time and give him a kiss. So Piggie really felt very very good to be such a good looking gentleman. So he could not help blushing all the time and he could not help grinning all the time from one ear to another. So he asked us all to dinner and then he and Gerald went to change their clothes for dinner. So Dorothy and I had quite a little quarrel after they went because Dorothy asked me which one of the Jesse James brothers was my father. But I told her I was not so unrefined that I would waste my time with any gentleman who was only a ballroom dancer when he had a job. So Dorothy said Gerald was a gentleman because he wrote her a note and it had a crest. So I told her to try and eat it. So then we had to get dressed.
   So this morning Harry, the boy friend of ours who is the bell hop, waked me up at ten o’clock because he had a box of one dozen orchids from Piggie. So by the time Piggie pays for a few dozen orchids, the diamond tiara will really seem like quite a bargain. Because I always think that spending money is only just a habit and if you get a gentleman started on buying one dozen orchids at a time he really gets very good habits.

April 21st:
   Well, yesterday afternoon I took Piggie shopping on a street called Bond Street. So I took him to a jewelery store because I told him I had to have a silver picture frame because I had to have a picture of him to go in it. Because I told Piggie that when a girl gets to know such a good looking gentleman as him she really wants to have a picture of him on her dressing table where she can look at it a lot. So Piggie became quite intreeged. So we looked at all the silver picture frames. But then I told him that I really did not think a silver picture frame was good enough for a picture of him because I forgot that they had gold picture frames until I saw them. So then we started to look at the gold picture frames. So then it came out that his picture was taken in his unaform. So I said he must be so good looking in his unaform that I really did not think even the gold picture frames were good enough but they did not have any platinum picture frames so we had to buy the best one we could.
   So then I asked him if he could put on his unaform tomorrow because I would love to see him in his unaform and we could go to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So he really became very pleased because he grinned quite a lot and he said that he would. So then I said that poor little I would really look like nothing at all to be going out with him in his georgous unaform. So then we started to look at some bracelets but a lady friend of his who is quite friendly with his wife, who is in their country house in the country, came in to the store, so Piggie became quite nervous to be caught in a jewelery store where he has not been for years and years, so we had to go out.
   This morning Gerald called up Dorothy and he said that day after tomorrow they are having a theatrical garden party to sell things to people for charity so he asked if Dorothy and I would be one of the ones who sells things to people for charity. So we said we would.
   So now I must telephone Mrs. Weeks and say I will bring Sir Francis Beekman to tea tomorrow and I hope it all comes out all right. But I really wish Piggie would not tell so many storys. I mean I do not mind a gentleman when he tells a great many storys if they are new, but a gentleman who tells a great many storys and they are all the same storys is quite enervating. I mean London is really so uneducational that all I seem to be learning is some of Piggies storys and I even want to forget them. So I am really becoming jolly well fed up with London.

April 22nd:
   Yesterday Piggie came in his unaform but he was really quite upset because he had a letter. I mean his wife is coming to London because she always comes to London every year to get her old clothes made over as she has a girl who does it very very cheap. So she is going to stay with the lady who saw us in the jewelery store, because it always saves money to stay with a friend. So I wanted to cheer Piggie up so I told him that I did not think the lady saw us and if she did see us, she really could not believe her eyes to see him in a jewelery store. But I did not tell him that I think that Dorothy and I had better go to Paris soon. Because, after all, Piggie’s society is beginning to tell on a girls nerves. But I really made Piggie feel quite good about his unaform because I told him I only felt fit to be with him in a diamond tiara. So then I told him that, even if his wife was in London, we could still be friends because I could not help but admire him even if his wife was in London and I told him I really thought a thing like that was nearly always the result of fate. So then we went to tea at Mrs. Weeks. So Piggie arranged with Mrs. Weeks to pay her for the diamond tiara and she nearly fell dead but she will keep it a secret because no one would believe it anyway. So now I have the diamond tiara and I have to admit that everything always turns out for the best. But I promised Piggie that I would always stay in London and we would always be friendly. Because Piggie always says that I am the only one who admires him for what he really is.
April 25th:
   Well, we were so busy the last days I did not have time to write in my diary because now we are on a ship that seems to be quite a small ship to be sailing to Paris and we will be at Paris this afternoon. Because it does not take nearly so long to come to Paris as it does to come to London. I mean it seems quite unusual to think that it takes 6 days to come to London and only one day to come to Paris.
   So Dorothy is quite upset because she did not want to come as she is madly in love with Gerald and Gerald said that we really ought not to leave London without going to see England while we happened to be here. But I told him that if England was the same kind of a place that London seems to be, I really know to much to bother with such a place. I mean we had quite a little quarrel because Gerald showed up at the station with a bangle for Dorothy so I told Dorothy she was well rid of such a person. So Dorothy had to come with me because Mr. Eisman is paying her expenses because he wants Dorothy to be my chaperone.
   So the last thing in London was the garden party. I sold quite a lot of red baloons and I sold a red baloon to Harry Lauder the famous Scotch gentleman who is the famous Scotch tenor for 20 pounds. So Dorothy said I did not need to buy any ticket to Paris on the boat because if I could do that, I could walk across the channel.
   So Piggy does not know that we have gone but I sent him a letter and told him I would see him some time again some time. And I was really glad to get out of our rooms at the Ritz—I mean 50 or 60 orchids really make a girl think of a funeral. So I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told him we could not learn anything in London because we knew to much, so if we went to Paris at least we could learn French, if we made up our mind to it.
   So I am really very very intreeged as I have heard so much about Paris and I feel that it must be much more educational than London and I can hardly wait to see the Ritz hotel in Paris.
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